WATCH: Calum Best’s new Premier League/gangster movie looks like the worst movie ever made

Watch out Citizen Kane! There's a new Game in town and it's Dangerous.

Dangerous Game tells the tale of Chris Rose (Get it? England - Rose!), a 'young' professional footballer from Essex played by 35-year-old Calum Best who doesn't appear to be making any effort to alter his American accent in the trailer. Rose lands a transfer to his boyhood club, which conveniently isn't mentioned in the synopsis, taking him all the way from the lowly Championship to the dizzying heights of the Premier League. However, shit hits the proverbial when Russian gangsters become involved, trying to put their diabolical scheme of using 'young' players such as the lad being played by the 35-year-old to fix matches. The next part of the synopsis on the YouTube trailer is actually too ridiculous to rip the piss out of, so we'll just give you that in all its glory, unedited.

"With the help of his childhood mate, Adam Chopra, Chris goes on a life-changing journey making many new friends and enemies in both worlds, including his love interest Ashley Queen. When Chris scores the goal of his career, he discovers his professional life and his health are now in danger. Chris uses his knowledge of football and team strategy to pit the Russians against the Algerian underworld and a plan is set in motion to repay the Russian Mafia everything they are owed. However the clock is ticking."

Why is the clock ticking? Is it because it's only a matter of time before they discover Rose's birth cert and find out that he's been lying to them about being a wonderkid? Is it because the supporting cast of at least two former Page Three models, the writer/director of the 2016 modern great Gangsters Gamblers Geezers and one of the stars of The Only Way is Essex just isn't enough to sustain the not short enough running time? Is it because lines such as, "Well mate, you know what they say - a friend helps you move, but a true friend helps you move a dead body,' aren't going to give Aaron Sorkin any sleepless nights agonising over how he didn't manage to come up with anything that Shakespearian first? You'll probably never find out, because after waching the horrendous shitshow of a trailer, you'll be eagerly anticipating this release like you would your next bout of the runs. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=berbsfSoNRQ That closing line...

"You two need to grow up! This is the Premiership!"

A) it's called the Premier League now and b) he's 35! He should probably start thinking about his retirement plans.