RIP football: 1862 – 2016

It is with great sorrow that we report the news that beloved past-time football has passed away.

Officially aged 154, football had brought joy to millions around the globe throughout its lifetime, despite being diagnosed with commercialism in 1992. It is survived by its sons five-a-side and futsal. Perhaps fittingly, football died in what some would consider its home in Old Trafford, Manchester, after one of its most famous creations, Manchester United, inadvertently killed it with an act of gross cynicism. The incident happened ahead of their re-scheduled tie with Bournemouth - the final game of this year's Premier League, which had been delayed after a bomb-scare on Sunday after a private security company accidentally left a fake bomb behind in the stadium following a presumably failed training exercise. As the two teams came out onto the field, United were joined by mascots bearing the names of characters from the upcoming X-Men flop film, X-Men: Apocalypse. Worst of all, three of the unpaid child labourers lucky mascots appeared covered in blue body paint, as per their X-Men equivalents. https://twitter.com/SamWallaceTel/status/732631888217640961 Football had been on life support after AC Milan performed a Nivea-inspired version of the Maori war dance, the Haka, before their game against Carpi, but many believed that Leicester City's incredible title run had done enough to save the sport. Unfortunately, the recovery was short-lived as doctors on the scene declared football dead shortly before 8pm, May 17, 2016. Rest in peace.