WEEKEND TV GUIDE: Socialising is for losers anyway so park yourself on the couch for a feast of sport

If Shane Lowry wins on Sunday night then we give everyone full permission to take Monday off.

The Masters is definitely the standout event that will be taking up most of your weekend but from Friday evening to midnight on Sunday, you're absolutely spoiled for choice. Cancel all plans, except those made with your sofa, kettle and remote control. FRIDAY After the stellar performances turned in by both Shane Lowry and Rory McIlroy on day one of the 2016 Masters, your interest in the next three days is sure to continue. Day two gets underway at 1.20pm but because of bonkers broadcasting rules, proper coverage won't start until 7pm (Sky Sports 4) or 8pm (Setanta Ireland). Hopefully you won't miss too much of the heavy hitters' rounds as the tee times of Shane Lowry (3.54pm) Rory McIlroy (4.05pm) and Jordan Spieth (5.55pm) aren't too early. Get the beers in on your way home from work and, hey, treat yourself to a chipper because you've had a long week and deserve nothing less. Feel free to flick over to RTÉ 2 from 7.45pm during the golf to take in some SSE Airtricity League action as bottom-of-the-table Sligo Rovers look to kick-start their season at St. Pat's. If Irish football ain't your thang then a Scottish Premiership clash between second and third is on the cards from 7.45pm on BT Sport 1 as Aberdeen travel to Hearts. Fancier football fans might prefer some La Liga at 7.30pm on Sky Sports 5 as Granada host Malaga, or some Bundesliga as Hertha Berlin take on Hannover 96 at 7.30pm on BT Sport Europe. The golf ought to finish up at around 12.30am and you'd better get your ass to sleep fairly early as Saturday is going to take it out of you. SATURDAY Unless you're the type who likes flashy Super Rugby from the Antipodes (Sky Sports 2 from 8.30pm) the football is what's going to get you started after a healthy lie-in and a rasher sandwich. Championship table-toppers Burnley host Leeds on Sky Sports 2 from 12.30pm. There are still plenty of Leeds fans out there so if you fancy getting frustrated early on this weekend, indulge yourself with a trip to Turf Moor. Celtic travel to Motherwell for a 12.30pm kick off, shown on Sky Sports 3, and it's a London derby to start the Premier League fixtures as West Ham take on Arsenal from 12.45pm on BT Sport 1 (it's Payet vs. Ozil and it's live). Have a little bit of lunch now and, hey, have a bottle of beer too if it takes your fancy. We're not here to judge you... we're here to tell you about sport. For (Northern Hemisphere) rugby fans, your Champions Cup needs will be fulfilled at 3.15pm on BT Sport Europe with Wasps v Exeter but you'll need to switch to Sky Sports 2 at 5.45pm to watch Saracens take on Northampton Saints. Swansea vs. Chelsea is the live 3pm game and that's available on Setanta Sports 1 and the final whistle should just have blown by the time the Grand National gets going. The one race a year when everyone has a punt and mammies become John McCririck gets underway at 5.15pm from Aintree and that's being shown on RTÉ 2 (broadcast starts at 3.20pm). After you've won your millions, settle back in for even more football as Manchester City will attempt to break down the Pulising of West Brom at 5.30pm on Sky Sports 1. Or if you're sick of the English game, take in some German action as Wolfsburg look to build on their humiliation of Real Madrid when they host Mainz at 5.30pm on BT Sport Europe. Espanyol vs. Atletico Madrid is the Spanish option at 5.15pm on Sky Sports 5. Hungry? Of course you are. Order that pizza, buddy. It should arrive just before the coverage of The Masters goes live, again 7pm on Sky Sports 4 or 7.30pm on BBC 2. Get your fill of MSN as Barcelona travel to Real Sociedad at 7.30pm on Sky Sports 5 before Serie A leaders Juventus are in action against AC Milan on BT Sport 1 from 7.45pm If you're sick of all the round balls, get yourself over to BT Sport/ESPN from 8pm where Connacht take on Grenoble in the quarter-finals of the European Challenge Cup. If you've bought the pay-per-view for Anthony Joshua's IBF world title fight (Sky Box Office) then you might be interested to learn that Matthew Macklin will be taking on Brian Rose at 8pm while the main event (Joshua vs. Charles Martin) is expected to take place at around 10.30pm. If you're heading out for a few pints and coming back for the return of Manny Pacquiao, or just Clockwork-Oranging your eyes open until the wee hours, you can catch the first Pac-man fight since his loss to Floyd Mayweather when he takes on Timothy Bradley at 4am on Sunday morning and you can watch that on Setanta Sports. Off to bed with you! SUNDAY If up early, indulge in some European action as Sporting Gijon host Celta Vigo at 11am on Sky Sports 4 or watch Fiorentina go to Empoli in search of a win at 11.30am on BT Sport 1. If treating yourself to something of a lie-in after the Pacquiao-Bradley fight then stay in bed until around 1pm, get a cuppa into you and tune in to Sky Sports 1 at 1.30pm to witness Leicester's march towards title glory continue at Sunderland. Sunday's rugby interest comes through the second pair of Champions Cup quarter-finals as Leicester v Stade Francais kicks off at 1.45pm on BT Sport Europe before the pick of the bunch gets underway with Toulon v Racing at 4.15pm on Sky Sports 2. The Allianz Football League semi-finals take place from Croke Park and you can watch both on TG4 from 2pm with Kerry v Roscommon and Dublin v Donegal at 4pm. Spurs welcome Manchester United to White Hart Lane at 4pm on Sky Sports 1 and for Liverpool fans left frustrated at the fact that your tie with Stoke isn't televised, why not do some scouting of Borussia Dortmund who clash with Schalke at 2.30pm on BT Sport ESPN. Sunday roast is surely on the menu and we'd try to time that for right around 6pm, trust us. MMA fans can get their unusual fix of Sunday afternoon brawling with UFC Zagreb, the prelims of which begin at 4pm on UFC Fight Pass or for those just interested in the four heavyweights in the co-main and main events, then tune in at 9pm. Knockouts are all but guaranteed. The coverage of the final day of the Masters gets started at the earlier time of 6pm (Sky Sports 4) and 6.30pm (BBC 2) when you can watch Shane Lowry romp to victory before heading to bed and getting ready for 11 April which will surely be renamed Lowry Day after this weekend.