WEEKEND TV GUIDE: Submit yourself to the couch or prepare for a knockout blow

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.

It seems a tad unseasonal in March but, the weekend that is in it, we can take all the flurries, blizzards and dumps the heavens want to throw at us... provided the pizza delivery guy can still get to us on his Honda 50. Like surviving in the Arctic, competing in the Iditarod huskie race, or eating your dead team-mates to avoid starvation in the Andes, successfully negotiating a bumper weekend of sport like this requires planning, determination and fresh batteries in the TV remote. With UFC 196, a double weekend of Allianz League action and a couple of very significant Premier League matches all on the menu all we can do is thank god for the small mercy that it is a rest week in the Six Nations. Still, it is going to be a slog, but SportsJOE.ie are here to map out your weekend. We might even find room for a little sleep along the way. But we're making no promises.

FRIDAY

This promises to be a long weekend so can we recommend you forego the Twenty20 clash between South Africa and Australia (Sky Sports 3 from 4pm) to take on board some calories in peace and maybe, if you like, talk to some loved ones after a week of work/school/college.

Try to find out how their lives are going, nod and make some affirmative noises and try to engage meaningfully in the conversation because, to be honest, from 6pm onwards you're dead to them until Monday.

Wash up your plate (last time you'll do anything helpful this weekend) and respectfully request the remote control and your spot on the couch and flick over to the WGC Cadillac Championship (Sky Sports 4 from 6pm) to see how Rory McIlroy,  Shane Lowry and Graeme McDowell are faring.

Should McIlroy chuck his clubs in the lake like last year feel free to flick over to any number of viable options. We've the big SSE Airtricity League kick-off between Cork City and Bohemians (RTÉ2 from 7.30pm), there's Middlebrough and Wolves in the Championship (Sky Sports 1 from 7pm) or Roma and Fiorentina if Serie A is your thing (BT Sport Europe from 7.30pm).

Not in a mood for football? No hassle. For the rugby fan Connacht's trip to Edinburgh is where the action is at (TG4 from 7.30pm).

Looking to stretch their lead at the top of the PRO12 table, Pat Lam's men have been a revelation this season and, without advocating such cultural ignorance, you could choose to mute the as Gaeilge commentary and perhaps watch a little golf on your iPad.

This is not a weekend for resting on your laurels.

The golf finishes up about 11pm, so stand up and stretch the legs. Maybe make yourself a sandwich, or flick on the Late Late Show (RTÉ1 from 9.30pm) for Ryan Tubridy's chat with Padraig Harrington. The three-time Major winner is always good value.

https://twitter.com/padraig_h/status/671329817439113216?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

Then it is all about the UFC. The Conor McGregor episode of Beyond the Octagon (BT Sport 2 from 11.30pm) is followed on the same channel by the live UFC 196 weigh-ins (midnight). If Thursday's explosive press conference and stare-down is anything to go by this should be a good primer for Sunday morning, but not ideal bedtime viewing.

You'll be all geed-up after McGregor and Diaz come face-to-face and sleep just won't be an option. You have three possible solutions, gorge on old McGregor fights (Setanta Ireland from 11pm), check out some alternative Las Vegas action with the Rugby Sevens (Sky Sports 5 from 11.40pm) or you could watch the cricket highlights (Sky Sports 2 from 10.30pm) to help you nod off.

SATURDAY

A good night's sleep was vital, so, as much as we love the fun of the Sevens, we hope you dozed off to the cricket highlights.

If you've woken up on the couch that's fine, pluck the remote from between the cheeks of your arse cushions of the couch and flick on Sky Sports 3, depending on what time you wake up you could catch some or all or none of the Super Rugby joyfests between Highlanders and Hurricanes (6.35am), and Reds versus Western Force (8.40am).

https://twitter.com/SkySportsRugby/status/703616254532124672

You have time for some breakfast and a shower (if you must) after the Aussie derby and before Football Focus (BBC1 from 12.10pm) gets you in the mood for some top notch football action.

You have options, stretching from the ridiculous (Rangers versus Dundee on Sky Sports 2 from noon) to the sublime (Tottenham versus Arsenal on BT Sport 1 from noon), with another fiercely contested derby in between (Burnley versus Blackburn on Sky Sports 2 from noon).

Rangers-Dundee in the Scottish Cup it is. Get in!

Back over on Sky Sports 3 those southern hemisphere folk continue to show us how rugby is done with Bulls v Melbourne Rebels (1pm) Cheetahs v Stormers (3.05pm) and Sharks v Los Jaguares (5.10pm). If that is just too much offloading for your sensibilities, there is always Leinster versus Ospreys (Sky Sports 1 from 2.45pm).

But to be honest the day is just rotten with sport. You can't watch it all, but by god you can die trying. West Ham's drive towards the Champions League continues at Everton (Setanta 1 from 2.30pm), Leicester's drive for the least plausible Premier League title ever continues at Watford (Sky Sports 1 from 5pm) and the Bundesliga becomes relevant for 90 minutes as Dortmund host Bayern Munich (BT Sport Europe from 5.15pm).

https://twitter.com/sergioxerrato/status/699296667439382529 At this point you might be getting a little weak from hunger. Order some takeaway or convince any remaining loved ones to cook you something because you simply don't have time yourself, especially with the weekend's GAA throwing in with a Dublin versus Cork double-header from Croke Park.

First up it's the hurlers at 5pm, with the footballers throwing in at 7pm (Setanta Ireland from 4.50pm).

We're not going to lie, at this stage we're a little concerned about whether or not you still have feeling in your legs and you should probably visit the toilet unless you're wearing a nappy. If you are wearing a nappy, well played indeed.

You have time after Dublin's footballers feast on the Rebel corpse to get some fresh air, change your nappy and stretch the legs. We'd forgive you for thinking the walls were closing in on you at this stage. Maybe take walk, while keeping an eye on the golf on your phone (Sky Sports 4 from 5pm) obviously.

There is also more Sevens from Vegas (Sky Sports 3 from 7.20pm), Top 14 rugby with Montpellier versus Castres (Sky Sports 3 Red Button from 7.25pm) and La Liga football between Getafe and Sevilla (Sky Sports 5 from 7.25pm) to get you through that Saturday evening slump.

Once your family have got out of your way to enjoy their Saturday nights you should be free to monopolise the television, starting with Match of the Day (BBC1 from 10.20pm), where you can catch up on the five Premier League you didn't watch live.

If you're the type of person who naps now is the time to pull out that life skill. You have 70 minutes from the time Gary Lineker says goodbye until the UFC 196 coverage kicks off. A glass of warm milk and some Enya on the stereo...

https://twitter.com/DarrMurphy/status/705516392473239552

SUNDAY

Wake up! Boil some Red Bull, make some coffee and switch over to BT Sport 2 (from 1am) for UFC 196, which starts with the featherweight bout between Darren "The Damage" Elkins and Chas "The Scrapper" Skelly and culminates, sometime around 5am, with McGregor's welterweight grudge match with Diaz.

About this point a doctor would recommend sleep and if you're hallucinating that purple leprechaun also thinks you should get some rest.

You've a big day ahead of you, starting with Real Betis versus Granada (Sky Sports 5 from 10.55am) or that Scottish Cup clash between Celtic and Mordon that everybody has been talking about (Sky Sports 2 from 11.30am).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zJSoujqWM4A

There's more Twenty20 cricket between South Africa and Australia (Sky Sports 3 from 12.25pm) but the real action is in Tralee as there is a double-header of Kerry GAA (TG4 from 12.30). Cricket from South Africa or the Wexford hurlers taking on the Kingdom, followed by the Donegal footballers taking a run at their hosts... you decide.

Alternatively, if the Allianz League ain't what gets you to the couch of a Sunday there is Crystal Palace versus Liverpool (Sky Sports 1 from 12.30pm) and West Brom versus Manchester United (Sky Sports 1, kick off 4pm).

At this stage you're body has almost certainly fused with the couch so during the half-time breaks and Jamie Redknapp analysis you can flick over to Sky Sports 2 for a day of La Liga action (from 3pm) with Eibar being embarrassed at home by Barca (3pm), Sporting Gijon facing Athletic Bilbao (5.15pm) before Gaz Neville's Valencia frustrate visitors Real Madrid (7.30pm).

We're not going to tell you how to live your life, but if you've gone this far you might as well catch the final round of the golf from Doral (Sky Sports 4 from 5pm) and some more Las Vegas Sevens (Sky Sports 5 from 6.20pm) and sure, by then, it is time for the MLS season to kick-off.

Head over to (Sky Sports 1 from 7pm) Chicago Fire v New York City FC and Portland Timbers v Columbus Crew (from 9pm).

If someone has furnished you with a drip you should just about see this thing through to the bitter end. There are the GAA highlights on League Sunday (RTÉ 2 from 7.30pm), Inter Milan v Palermo (BT Sport Europe from 7.45pm) and, finally, Match of the Day 2 (BBC2 from 11.25pm).

Retire to your bed like a hero at 12.30am Monday, but not before texting work to say you won't be able to make it in. 

Take a snow day.