11 things Tinder taught me about the Premier League

A friend of mine has Tinder and he was telling me this story…

There comes a point in every footballer’s life when he’s going to find himself wound up at QPR. He didn’t want to go there, he never planned it that way, and he even thought himself better than that. But it happens and, hey, it pays the bills. It’s good to know that, even when you think all is lost, QPR is there to fall back on. So you can imagine the benefits of Tinder. But if you’re not using the 'dating' app for just chicks – which is probably for the best if you refer to people as chicks – then you might just use it to pick up some life lessons. And life lessons, as we all know, are always transferrable to sport. Always. Sort of. 1. If it looks too good to be true, it probably is. I've had my fingers burnt once or twice. I thought I had found love. I thought the stars had aligned, that life as I knew it had changed forever. I met this beautiful girl, fun personality and I was already planning our Christmas schedule together. You know, so we could get between both families equally so long as it suited the children's school holidays, too. We could take the dog in the spacious boot of the shared car. Maybe even head off after our visits to our timeshare cabin on the Alps. Spend Christmas skiing in Switzerland with the family. Then, she finally starts the conversation. 'If you want a fun, sensual, good time, we can be together. 80 roses for 30 minutes and only 125 roses for an hour.' Brendan Rodgers will understand this sentiment. Italy's main striker, four league medals, a Champions League title, just 24 years of age at £16m... what's the catch? The catch is that he's a phony. He was never interested in you or your Christmas vacation and you'll have very little good times with this maverick for the money - however reasonable - you do eventually fork out. What the hell would anyone do with 125 roses anyway? 2. Sometimes, it just wasn't meant to be. We're all victims of the accidental swipe left. That moment when you've tossed someone to the side, into the infamous red 'x' on Tinder before you realise she had serious potential. You realise that she could well have been destiny herself. Chances are though. if she was called Destiny, she would probably only look for you to buy another couple of roses off her. You pass over some big opportunities on the app though and it's a killer. What can you do about it? Absolutely nothing. It's gone. Forever. Serves you right for being so reckless. Call them future champions but even the biggest studs will think about the one that got away. Chelsea grew unappreciative of Frank Lampard, treated him like he was no longer a big deal, like he was a dime a dozen and they've paid the price. Jose would tell you they don't need him, that they're better off without him but, no matter how many matches they accrue on Tinder, they'll still grow envious of their lost love shacking up with their mortal enemy. Chelsea's loss is City's gain and Lamps is a massive reason why the Manchester club are still in this title race. No takey-backies. 3. Don't be afraid to kid yourself. Not matching with as many people as you thought? Swiped right for someone you're really interested in and still waiting on a response? It's alright, they probably haven't seen your profile yet. Right? I mean, I think most girls don't see my profile. They mustn't. It's the only explanation. Once they do, we'll match. I'm sure of it. It's probably something wrong with the app. There's bound to be some reason I'm not showing up on some other people's Tinder. Ignorance is bliss. Paul Lambert lived in his own little bubble there for two and a half years. After 101 games, 50 of which were losses, 8-0, 5-0, home defeats to relegation rivals, the former Aston Villa boss was undeterred. Even this year when they decided on the interesting ploy of not shooting, Lambert came out after each match and said the dreaded five words that started to wake every Villa fan up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat: 'I thought we were excellent.' The results and God-awful performances couldn't have been anything he or his team were doing. No way. That delusion might have protected his sanity but it lost him his job. Kid yourself all you like but it won't change the end result. 4. Was it something I said? The thing that has ruined text messaging these days is that you can see when someone has read your message or not. If you're that pitiful to check. Which we all are. Tinder doesn't have this stalking tool but, if you've written to someone yesterday, and it says on their profile, 'Last Active: 1 hour ago', there's probably a hint to be had in there somewhere. Maybe she's working. Maybe she's having dinner with friends. She seems like a family girl. She's probably out walking the dogs actually, left her phone behind to get away from it all. Maybe it just says she was active because she matched with someone else. Maybe she met someone else. Is she writing back to another lad? Is she really not going to reply to me? As if I actually care. I hate her. I'll write one more message. Just in case she didn't see the notification for the last one. That happens sometimes. I'll make this one funnier. Get over it, would you? Move on. Rickie Lambert - Rickie bloody Lambert - might well have turned down a move to Villa and it must've been a tough pill to swallow. Insulting, a real reality check and all the rest. But now look at them. Since his snub, the team are averaging a goal every three games and centre back Jores Okore is proving he has as deadly an eye for goal as the Scouser. A lack of success might be your own fault alright but if you're lucky enough to have the same tools to bounce back like Villa have, you'll be grand. 5. Less than a mile away. Just assume Peter Odemwingie is on the way. 6. The location isn't always that promising. I was on a roll one day, finding matches left, right and centre. Three. I found three. I began to notice a trend though. I was matching a lot more with Asian girls. Interesting, I thought. Perhaps I'm more marketable in the far east. Perhaps I'm more sought after by the Asian community. So I got in touch with this new interest only three miles down the road. Or so Tinder told me anyway. The next exchange looked something like this. Me: 'So where are you living at?' Her: 'Caloocan.' Me: 'Caloocan? Where's that? Is that in the Lucan/Clondalkin direction?' Her: 'Huh?' Me: 'Is that in Dublin or just outside it?' Her: 'Dublin?' Me: 'Yeah...' Her: 'It's in Philippines!' Me: 'Oh, for God's sake! 'Perhaps we could still meet up though? 'We are hitting it off after all. 'Would be a shame. 'I've always wanted to see the Philippines... 'You still there?' Her: (Last Active: 1 hour ago) I'm not sure what lie Alexis Sanchez was sold but Arsenal have played a blinder to match with the former Barca star and keep him swooning. The Chilean has wound up at completely the wrong place if he's looking for the kind of success his talent demands. But maybe fate worked its magic and brought them together deliberately to find the perfect match. All the epic love stories start with Tinder after all. 7. Beware the phonies. Some people's selfie game is strong. Mightily strong. Can you really trust a picture when it's a selfie? And, considering Tinder is as shallow as Randy Lerner's pockets, your only chance to impress is with a handful of photos so naturally you're going to pick your very, very best, edited, filtered, gorgeous shots with the rubble banished and never to be seen. It's nearly a form of deceit. Just ask that one angry person who showed up in the bar one night expecting Brad Pitt. Emmanuel Riviere might've looked half decent from afar. Strutting around in a Monaco jersey, scoring a few goals here and there, seeing a few videos of himself doing the rounds. But even Owen Hargreaves was able to post something on YouTube - a 55 second clip to prove his fitness... Newcastle soon learned the difference between what looked tempting and the real thing. 8. Don't be so desperate. You might think that ship has already sailed when you actually go through with signing up for Tinder in the first place, but wait until that first moment when it flashes up, 'There are no new people in your area.' That's when you've hit the bottom of the barrel. Literally. You've actually scoured through every single girl in sight and reached the end. It's a sobering moment. So what do you? You can either expand your search - granted you haven't run out of people in a 100-mile circumference around you - or you can do what Alan Curbishley seemingly does and auto apply. https://twitter.com/AlansAvailable/status/565600713888501762 The former Charlton boss is living his life like he's playing a game of Football Manager. He has set it to 'Go on holiday' mode and checked the 'Apply for all jobs' option while he's away. Every single job that comes up, his name is batted around. He's obviously a hero to Tim Sherwood who is trying to reach the same status of being available for everything but not actually being available for anything. 9. Don't be picky either though. Sometimes I find myself looking at a picture with two people in it, wondering which one it is because I don't want to rush into anything before I make my decision. Then a bit of cop on makes me ask myself if I'm really going to say no to either of them. Not in a desperate way. (Actually, exactly in a desperate way) Who the hell does Tim Sherwood think he is anyway? He has five months coaching experience, does an average job of a good team, speaks frankly the odd time and he's hailed as the messiah of every single club in their hour of need. Of course, none of them are good enough for Tim. West Brom? No. QPR? No. Villa? I hope to God, no. 10. Make sure your selling point is actually worth selling. With Tinder being linked to Facebook, it pulls in whatever you have liked in your whole history of social media. That digital passport could be the breaking of you. When your shared interests with a girl on Tinder are things like Dirty Dancing, Glee, Home and Away, you can probably assume that she hasn't pinpointed you as a suitable candidate. John Carver's audition for the Newcastle job was bloody horrendous. Three losses and a draw, before picking up one win and two more draws since being permanently appointed. His selling point wasn't results or performances but sure he cost a hell of a lot less roses than anyone else would have. And, luckily, he found the right match in Mike Ashley. There really is someone for everyone. 11. You never get a second chance at a first impression. - 'Sweeeeeet Caroline, oh oh oooh! Good times never seemed so good - so good, so good, so good.' (Sent yesterday at 18:47) - ... (Last Active: 1 hour ago) Singing doesn't work on Tinder. Not defending doesn't work for defenders either. Just ask Dejan Lovren. Tinder might well be frustrating, played out, and it's definitely right, royal thump to the old ego every now and again but there's plenty to take from it. There's plenty to learn and plenty to mull over. When your one-liners aren't working, when your profile isn't showing up on anyone's Tinder (it happens, honestly) and when you've just about run out of roses, you can still grab a good footballing lesson if you look in the right places. Or so my friend tells me anyway.