The definitive* top 13 worst things you can do on a GAA field

Somebody has to do something.

Plague, cancer, death. Three of the worst words in the English language taken drastically out of context to describe Gaelic Football of late. We're told that it's a race to the bottom and here is a list of the top 10 reasons why we're in for a photo finish at that pit. These are the worst things you can do on a GAA field. At the minute. Even worse than the contradictions of all our complaints.

1. Dive

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y3Aqyr433a4 The worst thing in 2015 and it's still the worst today. It's bad enough being hurt in the first place but pretending to be hurt? Tiernan McCann's antics against Monaghan last year were embarrassing and it was against every vague ethos this game stands for. The controversies haven't died down this season. Solution: You can forget about him as far as he's a man.

2. Actually get hit

This could be worse than number one. Yeah, it was a punch but... come on. Solution: Man up.

3. Provoke someone

Big players are being targeted. Off the ball, when they hit a wide, after they pass off, they have men in their faces goading them and trying to get a reaction. They're trying to get them onto a yellow card so they might get sent off later in the game. What did Sean Cavanagh ever do? Solution: Say your team would never do that.

4. Take a short kickout

Soared up the ladder again this season, so much so that it is being held directly responsible for teams filtering men behind the ball. Joe Brolly wants a whole new game that dictates that the 'keeper must kick beyond the 45' for no real reason but to stop this possession mumbo jumbo. Kick the thing into the air and let two midfielders battle for the ball. Remember, manliness and stuff. This build-up nonsense is slowing the whole game down. Solution: Declare the death of Gaelic Football.

5. Be from Dublin

Have you seen their population base? Solution: Blame Tyrone. Split the county in 19 ways.

6. Be a Division Three or Four team

It's bad enough that the championship is bloody five months long but we have to sit through non-events as well? These teams don't deserve to be in this championship, even if they can make it to the semi-finals. We shouldn't have to watch these mismatches, even if they can all beat Division One and Two teams. Solution: RESTRUCTURE.

7. Hammer a Division Three or Four team

Is there no respect for the sanctity of this championship? Who do teams like Kerry and Dublin think they are handing out beatings willy-nilly with no consideration of the viewing public? The championship is dead. Is more dead if said Division Three or Four team tries to play defensively against the big guns. Solution: Let teams defend. RESTRUCTURE. Provoke the best players.

8. Defend

That's not football. You're not allowed to limit the opposition, play conservatively, use tactics or use your head or any of that nonsense. At least you're not supposed to anyway. Ethos. Spirit. Manliness. Solution: Change the rules so we can let the best teams hammer who they want.

9. Spit

Spitting's fine (as above). But if you spit on someone, you are a scumbag (not as above). Solution: Blame negative defensive tactics.

10. Sledging

Punch a man, knee him, bite him if you have to but do not speak ill of him. Before the Kildare game, their players were branded too nice. But there's a clear line between violence and threats and everyone knows not to cross it. Solution: Get on with it.

11. Hand pass

Not as offensive as it was considered last year but it's still tippy-tap sh*te. A northern eye-sore that goes against everything real men stand for. Hand-passing the ball to a team mate is the greatest insult to anyone who's ever sat down to watch a game of Gaelic Football and it's a direct two fingers up to your own supporters as well. Apparently. Don't even do it to run the clock down. Don't even dare. Solution: Kick the bloody thing in.

12. Wear a referee's jersey

Cheating, useless such and such. They need glasses, an opposition kit, and a lock of sense knocked into them. Solution: Get pundits to publicly lambast them one by one to encourage more young people to take up the role.

13. Shoulder a fielder's legs

Cowardly, underhand, dangerous. Nearly worse than sledging. Solution: Blame Sky Take a short kickout. The latest GAA Hour football podcast features Colm Parkinson, Senan Connell and Paul Galvin. Subscribe here on iTunes.