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If you don’t follow this team photo protocol, you’ve no business being in the squad

Published 22:00 7 Sept 2017 BST

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There are very few things worse in this life than the build-up to a game.

You're tense enough as it is without having to show everyone that you're tense. You mean enough business as it is without having to show everyone you mean business. The nerves are already flowing but there's a big act going on too where players have to display and vocalise how up for this one they are. We're too f**king quiet... there's too much f**king chatting, you're not focused. It's hard to get it right, the attitude. And not really the actual attitude, just the one you want people to see. If you don't nail the team photo protocol though, you might as well just piss off now. You'll be warned about this in the changing room, about this awful trauma you have to go through - sit down and let someone take a photo. You'll be told to not let it distract you, that it's a pile of balls and you'll be told to just get it over with as quick as you can and get out of the circus straight away. To follow those instruction, there are some crucial elements to this and every step should be followed religiously.

1. The captain must sprint out and jump as high as he can over the bench

You run and you run as fast as you bloody can. Leave the rest of them for dead, it's up to them to catch you. You just make damn sure you get to that bench before any of the rest of them do and, when you do, leap into the skies over the top of it. Put the ball down at your feet, sit on the bench on your own and let the photographers know that you're ready for the photo whether anyone else is or not. That's how you lead by example.

2. Get after the captain and do it now

Run, run, run! Yes, it's half an hour 'til throw-in but you want people to know you're serious.

3. Make sure your number is showing if you're starting

Of course you want to start anyway but, more importantly, you want everyone to know you're starting. If you've got a substitute's number at the front of your top, you'd be better off wearing a jacket, that way no-one can be sure.

4. Hide your tracksuit bottoms

If you're a sub who's more interested in keeping warm, get into the back row and make sure you're in the middle. Hide the bottoms because... well... you want it to look like you're starting. So stay the f**k away from the edges.

5. Facial expression

You need the right look to show the world that you're ready. You want a look to say that you're impatient, you're on edge, you're about to get angry but you're still happy to be here. The sort of look of a club player has when he's watching his county win a qualifier trying to figure out when he'll be playing again.

6. Get really angry at the thought of taking a team photo

You don't need any bloody distractions today. Just get it over with lads and get ready for the game.

7. Take that anger out on the photographer

If they even suggest that someone stands at a certain side or tells you that they're just waiting for the rest of the subs to filter out, tell them to "hurry up to f**k" because you don't need this sh*te. Even though you want it. Tell them to just get on with it and break off early knowing full well that the whole of the squad aren't out. You don't have time for this nonsense.

8. Make sure someone looks the wrong way

You don't want it to seem like you know what you're doing or that you think this is anything more than a distraction.

9. Absolutely sprint away when finished

Now that ordeal is over with, you can finally get back to looking like you mean business, even if you're in for a 15-point hammering. It's good to make people think you're ready, at least for a while.