An Irish coming-of-age story: The 12 steps to realising your dreams of county are over

The alarm bells go off at different times for different players.

For me, it was at 17. Dropped at club minors for a 13-a-side pre-season competition. The prospects weren't good. 15-a-side, sure, I was laughing. 13-a-side? Not so much. And all this was just clarification that I was one of the weakest two players on the team. You never think it's going to happen to you. Granted, I was only under-17 at the time but if I wanted to play county minors next year, I reasoned that I should really be making an average club team at this stage. Or so you’d think anyway. There are a number of stages to go through before you realise the life of a county player probably isn't the life for you. 1. You're not making your school team Yeah, but the manager's from a different club. Maybe there's just a superstar playing in your position and they couldn't put you in anywhere else. Maybe they don't appreciate your talents like your club does because they didn't develop you. The school team's sh*te anyway. Your club would probably beat them. 2. The manager's a b*llbag He's an idiot. Your da told you he was nothing but an eejit anyway. A county manager would see the game a lot better. He'd appreciate someone like you a lot more. Different managers like different players. 3. You're being played out of position How the hell are you supposed to shine if they keep playing you in the wrong position? Corner back is a specialised role, everyone knows that. Of course you're getting roasted in there. It's not your fault. 4. Everything's relative Well, if that clown is on the county panel, then you should definitely be on it. 5. Late developer Back in Derry, the example of Tony Scullion was one that kept the average player going. He never played county minors. He never played under-21 - or so you were told time and again anyway. He went on to star for his county senior side, winning an All-Ireland, becoming a legendary full back. That could be you. Sure, you're sh*t now, but you'll get them in the long grass. Look at Tony Scullion. You're just a late developer - physically and mentally. And technically. At least you hope. 6. Injury He would've played county if it wasn't for that knee. 7. The manager's not picking flair players He doesn't trust footballers. This typifies everything that's wrong with modern football, players like you aren't being considered for the squad. They want strong, fast athletes. The footballers are being overlooked. This isn't your fault. This is society's football's fault. 8. The TG4 player An expert phrase from Ciaran Murphy on Second Captains. A fantastic league player, impressing plenty of people in the fresh spring air. Not so much come the summer. Not so much when anybody worthwhile comes to watch and cast judgement. Perennial false hope. 9. County politics  Your club is getting screwed over again. Good players are being overlooked because they don't like where you're from. Sure look how many boys they have in from north/south/west/east of the county (delete as appropriate). They only/never pick city players (delete as appropriate). Any player from your actual club in there can be dismissed as "token". 10. Age Late 20s, your excuses are wearing thin. You're starting to come to terms with the sad reality that you probably won't play county and you won't ever get another go at it (until you're pressurising your children). It's tough but you don't even know anymore if you can be bothered to get yourself into the sort of shape required for it. You've played this game long enough now, you know it usually ends badly. It's a young man's game. Go with that. 11. The county manager rings you To ask for the number of your friend. 12. "The beer found him" It was a choice. You didn't want to give up your weekends and you sure as hell didn't want to be travelling home on week nights from Dublin/Belfast/Cork/Galway (delete as appropriate) to run around and have some ol' lad roaring at you. You didn't want to play county. Take a drink. You made a good choice. But it's all downhill from here.