We’ve gone and drawn up some alternative motions for this year’s GAA Congress

Through the chair

The annual GAA Congress takes place this weekend when the association has a good hard look at itself in the mirror. It weighs up various proposals for change, and then usually rejects 90% of them as being 'out of order'. This year's Glastonbury for GAA anoraks is being held in the Slieve Russell Hotel in Co. Cavan with 65 motions in total being debated and voted on. Every five years the GAA allows a playing rules congress to take place which means there should,in theory at least,be a number of changes we can look forward to next season. We've had a look at some motions that we'd love to see on the Clár someday. (1) Anyone found referring to GAA as 'GAH' to be tried and executed immediately. Method of execution is a 20m free pucked by Anthony Nash.  The Corkman to be appointed chief executioner of the GAA. (2) Because managers are now fond of telling everyone that their team will have to play until the '71st or 72nd minute' games will now be extended by an extra two-and-half minutes per half. This will also confuse the hell out of the hooter system which should mean Joe Brolly will have something to whinge about every week on the Sunday Game. (3) Pre-match interviews by managers cannot include the phrases '50/50 game' 'shoulder to the wheel' 'if we give a performance' and 'we showed fierce hunger'. Those found guilty are punishable in the same way as those guilty of breaching motion one (see above). (4)  When a f**king team is named on a Thursday, it should f**king start the game. (5) Every player at the start of a season is given a squad number. No messing either with goalkeepers taking number 23 or the corner forward who thinks he's Ronaldo wearing the number 7 jersey meant for the wing-back because he wears the same boots. (6) Here's a bright idea. Put an age limit on who can play in third level competitions. You never know, it might just work. (7) If a player over 40 scores a point then it's worth double. If it's a tanned legend from South Kerry who just casually lines out at wing-forward at 46, then it's worth triple. (8) Set up a 10-a-side Legends Championship. This would give a chance to see great players from Cork, Kerry, Dublin and Galway as well as other counties in action once again. Only players who have retired in last 10 years can apply. Also provides a chance to see how fat some so called 'top athletes' have become in their time away from the game. (9) Any point from outside the 65m line in hurling or football is worth two. (10) Marty Morrissey cannot appear in any printed picture without a woman on either arm. There's a reputation to uphold after all. (11) In the interest of fairness Ger Canning should be allowed to appear in pictures with at least one woman per year. (12) Umpires should be trained referees as much as possible, and not just the three three lads who looked the least hungover outside of mass two hours before the game. (13) Umpires should be allowed to sport a sleeveless version of their white coats for those roasting hot days in Killarney or Clones. (14) The GAA should look to market its analysts with a range of action figures. Eg. Cyril Farrell could come packed with some of his favourite phrases which would be activated when a string is pulled from his back. 'Nice wristy hurler' and 'Game on Ger'. (15) Use of the phrase 'Joe Brolly, what do you think of that?' is punishable by death. See motion one above. (16) Goalkeepers coming up to take '45's should be subject to a 'shot clock' of no more than 30 seconds. (17) Allow non Dubs to sell 'hats, flags and scarves' at various regional grounds during the championship. (18) Use of the word "lookit" by managers, players or pundits should be beeped out of all footage even if it means we end up with more beeps than actual words. (19) Any team or player refusing to speak to the media or planning a 'blackout' because someone disrespected them by predicting the other side to win, their pre-match and post-match quotes can be fabricated as much as any journalist sees fit. (20) The expulsion of tape: A rule that prohibits the use of tape - white or otherwise - for wrists, knees, socks and boots. The motion is to be filed under the new Rule 42 to ban the practice of tape usage in GAA stadiums and grounds. (21) Foam rollers and Thera-Bands are to be expelled from the changing rooms effective immediately. The four walls are cramped enough with 29 people squashed into them without someone rolling back and forward on the ground and someone else doing a crab walk up and down with a band tied around his legs.